The Mummy

One night I was trying to sleep once again when I heard a scratching at my window. I got a rusty butter knife and crept around the back to see what sort of infernal creature was pestering me this time.

It was an individual wrapped from head to toe with white bandages, or what most people would call a Mummy. It turned in surprise and moaned upon seeing me.

I said, "You know, I don't get many mummies around here. Mostly it's just the stray vampire or demon. Aren't you a little out of time and place? They stopped manufacturing mummies a long time ago."

The Mummy tilted his head, as if considering, and said, "Ten thousand apologies. You are correct, I am lost and trying to get home. If you don't mind, point me in the direction of Egypt, please."

I said, "That's a tough one. I know the general direction, but a slight variance in the angle of my finger could send you to South Africa, rather than Egypt. Besides, there is the small matter of the Atlantic Ocean. Not a good thing for your bandages."

The Mummy slumped its shoulders. "I just want to go home." It sounded pitiful.

I walked up next to it and put my arm around its neck in consolation, although I regretted this, because the Mummy had a bad case of body odor. I said, "Look, nowadays people just use Google Maps. You need to get on the Internet. But I can't let you inside my house. I don't mean to be blunt, but I don't know any other way to put this. . . frankly, you smell bad, and your looks don't favor you either. Go to Wal-Mart and buy yourself some clothes and deodorant. So many freaks go to Wal-Mart at night, they won't notice one more freak like you. Do you have any money?"

The Mummy shook its head sadly.

"What? Mummies always carry a little treasure stashed on their person somewhere. That's one of the good things about Mummies. Unwrap your bandages and look for gold amulets or scarabs. That will do the trick. I think they even have a jewelry store in Wal-Mart that buys scrap gold. Now I have to go. It's late, and humans like to sleep at night."

The Mummy bowed low, almost touching the ground. "A thousand blessings upon your house."

"Don't mention it. Wal-Mart is that way, by the way." I pointed to where I imagined it must be. Whether he (or she) ever made it, I have no idea.