The Mid-Life Crisis

I never imagined there was such a thing as a mid-life crisis. I think it is a product of modern civilization. Many of us are stuck in dead-end jobs and wonder whatever happened to our youthful ambition to make a mark in the world. We look ahead to the future and it may not seem as exciting as the stories that we consume on television and in the movies. We crave adventure, possibly even a romantic adventure. This is where folly begins. As for me, I became involved with a series of women, although at the time I had a long-term relationship with a man. I am not defending this conduct, only explaining a strange phenomena.

My motive was this. I was curious and wondered if a relationship could work between a woman and me, because I had never ruled it out with any certainty in the past. The concept remained a question mark to me. If I didn't try heterosexuality, how did I know it wouldn't work out? If heterosexuality worked for me, then my life would become easier in many ways, especially when it came to advancement out at work--politically, it is prudent. I could share my personal life with my conservative coworkers and conservative bosses if I were straight. There would be no conflict between the religions of the world and my personal life. Also, my parents would be overjoyed, not because they were homophobes, but because the prospect of grandchildren would be the answer to their deepest wishes. I was sure that my mother would like to have grandchildren. If I do not breed, then our family's line ends with me. I thought our genes should be transferred to the next generation, because the world would be a sorrier place without us. All of this may be true or it may not. It doesn't matter to me anymore, although it seemed to matter at the time.

I met the first lady in the park. We passed each other many times before she gathered up the courage to speak with me. I was in good shape and did not look all that bad, or so I have been told, and I wore gold on my person and made good money in my professional career. She was a liberated and intelligent divorcee in her late-thirties, and had one of the most beautiful voices I have ever heard. She sounded like an angel. Her appearance was not unlike an angel either, and when we were together, men would eye me with envy and wish to be in my place. When we went out to restaurants, any male of her acquaintance--and there were many--would go out of their way to say hello to her and engage her in conversation.

My relations with her went well in the beginning, because we shared many interests and she liked to confide in me about various issues. She said that I gave good advice, so there's an indirect recommendation for my blog. Unlike some people, I don't repeat confidences that are made, and all her secrets stayed safe with me and will always be safe.

Of course I had to divulge my secret at the earliest opportunity, even before our first date, because it would have been base to do otherwise. I told her I had a live-in boyfriend. This seems humorous, like the plot of a sitcom, now that I think about it. I am not sure how I ever thought a love triangle could work. This is what people mean when they talk about a mid-life crisis. She took the news with equilibrium and thanked me for telling her. She even consented to date me, because she was not sure just how serious my other relationship was. I think she wondered whether it was just a temporary thing, or whether I was trying to leave the relationship (I wasn't). Every kind of suspicion occurred to her after my disclosure, and relations deteriorated between us, mostly on her side. All that happened after that was foreseeable. After two or three dates, she declined to go out with me any more. I think she made the right decision for both of us. We remained on good terms, speaking terms at least. She married another man, and I wished her the best.

Another woman, a recent college graduate, I met through friends, which was worse, because our friends found out about it. Some cared, some didn't, but I stayed silent on the matter, speaking of it to no one. I asked her out on a date, and she, much surprised, accepted. She knew all about my boyfriend, precluding the need for an awkward disclosure. After a few days of reflection, she changed her mind, and told me that we should not get involved. Looking back, I have been most fortunate in selecting only good women, ones with high standards of conduct. With another sort, I might have gotten in over my head, at least in that vulnerable period of time.

After those two experiences, I looked up an old girlfriend from college that I had dated over ten years ago. She was displeased at my contacting her, and told me she didn't want to hear from me. She was an out lesbian now, not the bisexual young woman that I had known. She had no use for old boyfriends.

Next I joined an online matchmaker service and met with three or four young, attractive women, but in each case, things did not work out. For one thing, they were much inferior to my boyfriend. In fact, none of the women lit a candle to him. They did not have his intelligence, his manners, his talent, or his looks. This left me with insufficient motivation. A strong desire on the part of the man is necessary, particularly when wooing medium-to-high caste women. Women look for this spark of energy. I did not have enough desire to succeed.

In the end, I gave up, and lived happily ever after. I decided to accept being just what I am, which is gay and married. I am glad I don't have to work at trying to be something else. It is very hard work trying to be something else, and I have better things to do with my time, such as live my life the way that I want to live it.

These little affairs, sexless though they may have been, were unfair to my partner, and I am lucky he stayed around. He adopted a tolerant attitude, even going so far as to help me pick out clothes on a date. I think he foresaw that these dates would amount to nothing. They were just the experiments of a confused guy going through a mid-life crisis. I remained committed to him and had in mind a scenario where he would remain an integral part of my life in a kind of extended family of three, rather than two. Some people refer to this scenario as polyamory, but I was not even aware of the term at the time.

My plans were bunkum, but when you are in the middle of things, anything seems possible. The reason it could never work is that both he and I are wired for monogamy. I get jealous whenever he neglects me in favor of another. So it was with him as well. He has told me that I hurt his feelings with these affairs, even though there was no sex involved. It represented my greatest lapse in judgment. I think it was a case of wanting to conform to society's expectations and wanting to become perfect in every way and do everything that others have done, including raising a family. But that is not always in the cards. We must play the hand we're dealt. Otherwise, the game isn't any fun. It is not the destiny of everyone to have a family, to be like all the others. I required more time to accept this due to ambition, a sense that I could succeed where others have failed, as I have in other situations. Beware of pride.