Body Parts

I do wish the human body were more like computers insofar as being able to replace failing body parts with new and improved ones off the shelf. My computer keeps getting better, year after year, and I keep getting worse!

Mistakes

In reflecting upon mistakes one made in one's past, it is a consolation to realize that other people made bigger and stupider mistakes. My thoughts turn to former friends and the reasons they are exes. It seems wasteful to build a relationship with another human being, spending months or even years getting to know them, only to sever contact due to some trivial misunderstanding. I am mild. If they couldn't abide by me then they could not abide by an African violet or a sunset or a cat. Some people are in too much of a hurry to get wherever they think that they are going. They place a greater value on status and power than upon friendship. I do not have much status or power. I have known too many selfish and immature people (of either gender, of all sexualities) who were interested only in sex or money/status/power. They did not place value upon relationships or friendships. In the modern and mobile age, people regard other people as disposable and cycle through a number of what they regard as replaceable peasants in the hopes of finding the King or Queen who can grant their every desire. All the insight I could have offered them about their past and present is committed to dust as they start over with bright new pretty acquaintances that may not care to understand them at all. What I offered was uncommon, and what they wanted was common. They opted for copper over gold. So I have hidden my gold away from the narrow eyes of my former, faithless friends, who will never see it, or if they had once caught a glimpse and did not recognize the metal for what it was, they will see it no more. The past was nothing more than a training ground of social experiments from which I built my store of wisdom. Forget the faithless friends of the past, those who taught me what not to do. I am here for my friends of today, people good and kind. I share my gold with my friends of today. I share with them my light.

Regrets

Regrets are not helpful if they are not solvable. If one can do something about something, fine. But there's no point "crying over spilt milk." (Yes, Blogger, spilt is spelt correctly.)

One of the difficult life lessons I have acquired is to stop fretting over things that can't be changed. For instance, I feel that I could have risen higher than I have if I had chosen the right career, lawyer or doctor, at the age of twenty instead of indecisiveness, followed by the adoption of a path, the easiest one for me at that time, that led to quick but modest rewards, computer programming. Today, in the U.S., if you do not have two years of experience already in a specific programming language in high demand, you are locked out. You will not be able to find a job anywhere, because ten years of experience in an old language is worth nothing. People that do not program computers do not realize this. People who are already in the field do. I have abandoned computer programming as a profession due to the inability to find a job anywhere in the computer field.

Being perfectionist can lead to depression when one detects various oversights and errors in judgment made in the past. The very nature of the past is that it cannot be changed. Only the present can be changed and only a little. The future is the most fluid of all time frames. The only thing the past can provide is wisdom by way of little stories that illustrate possible outcomes for behavior, choices and beliefs.

Another tool for overcoming regret is being mindful of the limited amount of time permitted in a human life. Sure, if we had eons, we could learn what to do and what not to do, without relying in robot-like fashion upon the instructions of others but using direct experience and observation to achieve a state of being close to perfection. We have very little time and that is the chief problem of human existence along with a limited intellect and fragile body.

I often like to imagine nonexistence and think about the impending leave, that is, what the world will be like in my absence. Better? Worse? I foresee it would be little changed with the exception of those nearest and dearest to me, so that is a powerful motive for remaining in the world as a benevolent, helping and healing influence, but it also informs me that whatever I do or don't do is not going to make any big waves in society and that's all right by me. My goal is to act in such a way that things around me are improved to the limited extent I can improve them.

Divorce

This afternoon, I watched a documentary--BBC's Storyville, episode one--that amounted to a reality show covering a legal proceeding in rural China between two poor and poorly educated Chinese. In watching them, I was reminded that the American South does not have any monopoly on rednecks, who are distributed all over the world, it seems, clustering around rural towns and villages. Only cultural strength defeats the redneck mentality. Human beings default to a level just above savage animals. I was also impressed with the Chinese legal system, at least in regard to domestic disputes. The judge seemed quite reasonable and moderate, not at all draconian or authoritarian. In fact the court proceedings were quite casual and informal, a bit more so than I would prefer. I think that court proceedings should be imbued with dignity and gravitas, and outbursts or threats of violence should not be permitted. When the husband threatened the wife in court, I thought to myself that in an American court, that husband would have been sentenced to time in jail for contempt of court, if not assault. The Chinese judge mildly rebuked him, which puzzled me. I think that women have lower status in China.

I was also reminded of a scene from my childhood, when my mother wanted to divorce my father. Dad cleverly manipulated me in order to dissuade her from leaving him. I remember when she was at the front door, suitcases in hand, and I flung my arms around her and begged her not to go. I succeeded, but I was wrong. I see that now. I was motivated by selfishness and an inability to understand the issues between them other than at the most superficial level. So she remained in a dismal marriage for love of us. Only later did I come to understand his ways. He is not evil, but his thinking is confused, his perceptions distorted. He is a prisoner to his destiny. Now I am of the opinion that she should have divorced him a long, long time ago and been done with it. I feel resentment for having been manipulated by him at a tender age when I did not know any better. He was motivated by base cowardice, a fear of being left alone with no one, which became in later years his actual destiny, because he drove people away with his resentments and disputes. I think that we all would have been better off if she had left him when she wanted to leave him, and I think that she should have moved far, far away. But perhaps we are all prisoners of our flaws and limitations to some degree. Who has the strength to always take the best path? Such a human being has never existed.

How to Get Along with Neighbors

I like my neighbors, and as far as I know, they like me too. We all follow a simple and easy protocol based in common courtesy and common sense, which is:

1. We don't play loud music. I never do, party or not, because of personal preference, but my neighbors don't play loud music more than once in a blue moon, and I can accept that very rare occasion, especially since it is always during the day and never at night.
2. We keep our animals out of each others' yards, with the exception of cats, which are welcome to patrol our yard and keep the chipmunks, birds and squirrels in check, and the occasional straying of a family dog, which is understandable, dogs being dogs. The dogs are non-threatening, friendly dogs, which is a key factor.
3. If the mailman screws up and puts the neighbor's mail in my box, I deliver it to my neighbor. I don't know whether my neighbors return the courtesy or not, but I haven't been missing any mail to my recollection.
4. We try to keep the front yard, with its high visibility to the neighbors, in good shape, although we don't mow every week like many uptight people do, because to me it seems like a waste of time, gas and constitutes a moderate level of noise pollution. If my neighbor wants to mow every single week or even twice a week then that is his business, not mine, but I don't plan to copy his behavior.

Of the above list, #1 is by far the most important. Loud music is the most effective way to transform a harmless, neutral, or even friendly neighbor into your worst enemy, even a deadly enemy in one recent case in Texas.

I used to live in an apartment complex, and the fellow that lived above me played extremely loud music on a daily basis, from the time he woke up to the time he went to bed around nine in the morning, which caused me to hate him, because one of the things I value is peace and quiet. It took a while, but eventually I succeeded in getting that SOB evicted from his apartment on an unrelated transgression--his littering of the apartment complex. His trash was blowing over into a nearby homeowner's yard, and the homeowner knew the landlord, so on my prompting she called him up and complained. Problem solved for me. Bad neighbor moved out, and new neighbor moved in. The new neighbor was quieter, although they too played the loud music about once a week. But once a week is better than every day. Eventually I saved up enough money to move the hell out of the apartment, and I bought a foreclosure. In today's economy, I feel sorry for anybody renting who can't take advantage of the low house prices of the many foreclosures on the market.

The Witch

I encountered another ex last week and again felt relief at having dodged another bullet. I do regret my last and final sowing of wild oats, but the blood must out and there's nothing to be done about that. To be born a man is to feel instinct about certain things at certain times of life and at such times instinct can overpower Reason. At any rate I am on civil terms with all my exes and that is the best to be expected, all things considered. But when I embraced this individual I thought to myself, now here is a real witch, and thank the Heavens my destiny did not intertwine with this one.

I'm at peace with not procreating, but I notice many people don't have the same kinds of qualms that I do about it. It does seem to me that there are a lot of people procreating that haven't given very much thought to the future for themselves or their offspring or considered whether the time, place, and most especially the choice of partner is right or wrong. I don't know whether this practice is for good or ill (and it could even be for good), but in any case it doesn't matter to me as an individual, since my remaining lifespan in this world is limited. It may or may not be a problem for future generations. Of course if the race is diluted very much, then the ancient corrective methods will emerge to reset the balance, but that unpleasantness is for others to worry about. The question of right or wrong in this area is very contentious and hypothetical, although I am in favor of birth control and family planning and careful selection of partners, more careful than I ever was.

The Ex

I met an ex today and felt relief that I dodged that bullet. In the past, I did not have high enough standards. There was a tendency to romanticize too much, an eagerness to experience the high of being in love. Such a high can never be a permanent condition. Once the novelty wore off, I would have made the same observations about the individual that I made today, seeing clearly without my rose-colored glasses. The word that bubbled up into my awareness was goblin.

Procreation, Sterility, and Abortion

This morning, I thought what a good thing it was that I didn't have kids. Some people should have kids. They know who they are. I just don't think that there's anything in me that is terribly unique or valuable that it needs to be preserved through another generation. I never earned over 60K a year, never managed employees, never published a book or story, never made any discovery scientific or otherwise, and never got elected to office. So, in my opinion, what's the point? I'm reconciled with extinction, if not oblivion. I still find the thought of death frightening for various reasons and therefore seek to avoid it by all means.

I remember one of my old friends, an eighty year old, told me that he was not afraid of Death. He lies about anything in order to make himself look better. The truth is not important, only appearances. He wants to appear brave. In reality, Death frightens him, because if it did not, then he would already be dead. Those who stop fearing Death altogether simply die and that is that. It is a great effort to remain alive. In the first place, one must eat. Hunger is simply Death scratching at the window. Those who fear Death eat in order to keep the window closed and the monster outside. There are many measures that one can take, great and small, in order to prolong life, and he takes them all and even some measures that had never occurred to me.

Extinction of my "line," though, does not bother me. The way I see it, if there were anything remarkable that was worth preserving, something so unusual that it would be a crime not to pass it on to future generations, then it would have showed in my own life. Many were the manuscripts I submitted to publishers, and many were the applications I made for better jobs and careers. Many were the projects I embarked upon only to watch wither and fail. But the most compelling reason not to procreate, in my opinion, was the utter lack of a suitable female, one with at least equal intellect (although one would hope for more), abilities, and physical health. There were absolutely no willing and suitable mothers, so the entire question of whether to procreate was and is an academic one. I am glad that I did not.

I differ from, I think, many people in finding it irresponsible to procreate with just any partner. I could have done so many times, but I felt that it was a mistake and did not do it. I think being gay was very helpful in that regard, giving me ample protection from the urge that drives heterosexual men to procreate with unworthy women. There are many unworthy women, just as there are unworthy men. In my opinion, people should never mate with a lesser, only with their equals or superiors. To dilute the blood is worse by far than abortion, because the consequences are incalculable, persisting for generations until the end of the line, and who knows what all of those future people will be capable of? Abortion, in that light, can sometimes be an act of absolute good, serving the highest morality.

by igor 04:20 8 replies by igor 09:32 6 comments

Caring

I like to hear supportive words from friends. It is really amazing that other people, beautiful and wise people, can get you to such an extent that they like you and care about you, even a little. I grew up with faithless friends even into my college years, but over time I have witnessed an immense upgrade in my friends, with benefits deriving from their beneficial insight, feedback, and information. My own small store of wisdom expands as I absorb their own supply to augment my own.

The Appeal of the Supernatural

When I was a young man, I shunned all superstition, everything from God to magic and mysteries and took a fierce pride in doing so. As I get older, I find superstition immensely satisfying to the childish nature that thrives on awe and wonder.  I find that religious people are much more understandable and some of their joy can be perceived. Of course, religious people vary a great deal, but I have known some good ones, and fewer of the bad, because the bad I know better than to be around.

I think it is charming when otherwise educated and liberal people tell me their surprising opinions about magic, spells, homeopathy, astrology, charms, "cures," and gods and goddesses. I have learned that belief is quite common among liberals, and atheism is not in and of itself a liberal belief. When I am in a Church or a cemetery, reading the gravestones as I like to do--and so many gravestones speak of the Lord and the hereafter--sometimes I wonder if it is my destiny, as it was for so many ancestors, to convert to some belief system, either a philosophy, a theory of magic, or a religion. About all I know is that my religion would not be Islam, while unknown Hindu would be most unlikely, and although there are things such as scholarship, liberality and wisdom that I admire in Judaism, it might not be on the table either, because of the adherents' preoccupation with a narrow strip of land on the eastern shore of the Mediterranean. I never thought it was wise to place all the bets on Israel. A nomadic tribe might as well remain nomadic, because it certainly increases their odds. Being confined to a small area simply exposes a people to obvious risks.

After a survey of the competing alternatives, I decide to remain with atheism, because it seems the cautious and humble scientific approach. I don't think that any elaborate religion can pass the common sense test, and they all claim to know rather too much. How much better to say, there is a power, and it is miraculous and good, and I do not know more, other than I wish to be like it. A religion that confined itself to that sentence would be acceptable. But then, things tend to snowball after they are successful, and men have added on every manner of window dressing in the form of claimed miracles ancient and modern and other forms of divine intervention, and rules and opinions on matters that were composed by themselves, mere men, but presented as coming from infallible divine authority--preposterous to say the least. All can be debated and should be, in order that a better appreciation of the truth may be known. People get things wrong so often. When an error is discovered, it must be corrected. Every engineer would feel that way.

I had a speculative idea about Divine Providence yesterday. I'm sure it's not original, but I can't remember offhand where I got the idea, whether it was a film or a book. The thought occurred to me that the human existence, we ourselves, are like television shows for the gods, who watch us with amusement. Like a television audience, the gods do not interact with the show, other than to applaud or criticize, which we may or may not hear, depending upon our ability. Perhaps our very purpose is the same as a television show--merely to entertain or inform. The gods, if they exist, appreciate a wide variety of television shows among humans. Not only do they watch us, but they would watch the activities of life and all matter in the Universe. The sheer calculating power of all that omniscience is unimaginable. Such an intelligence would be more like a force of nature than a processor.

I suppose the human "show" is improving its story, because we are more advanced than our ancient ancestors from millions of years ago. With any luck, the humans will survive the atomic age and go on to make many more scientific discoveries and eventually unlock the secret to immortality. Will humans be the one species that continues to advance and evolve into ever more-powerful beings? Where does the improvement end? I suppose once a being has learned how to become immortal, then anything at all is possible afterward. At what point will the show merge with its audience?

by igor 04:20 8 replies by igor 09:32 6 comments

Moralism

I believe that at times, particularly when blogging, I exhibit a moralistic personality akin to one-part lawyer and one-part preacher. When dealing with people in real life, I dial down the moralism and show more acceptance and tolerance, and even think and feel more, because obviously one cannot get on with others very well by being moralistic. It is not polite to nag and I do find merit in the dictum, "Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged," although clearly some judgements are necessary, or else the bad guys would have a field day with anyone that was good.

I am of the belief, not without foundation, that among my ancestors were at least some preachers, engineers of various stripes, and doctors (who are really engineers), and naturally many farmers (agricultural engineers) and merchants, but probably not that many soldiers or adventurers, except under the compulsion of war. Moralism does not jibe well with war. Not at all. In fact, war can be a dangerous thing for a moralistic individual.

Sometimes I do find myself offering well-intentioned, but uninvited advice. I think I am trying to help, but I am also showing off my knowledge and skill. I want to be perceived as intelligent and knowledgeable, so I think it advantageous to recite various bits and facts that I have picked up almost without effort as well as my analysis and interpretation of things. In that way I am being a preacher because I also have a desire to persuade others to my ways of thinking, to control them. This is a common among almost all people. All humans have a strong desire to control others, because it is extremely helpful. Talking about opinions and interpretations is, I think, a common trait among methodical thinkers who absorb details readily and like to do so. Anytime one is good at something, it is natural to want other people to know and mark our quality, that their opinion of us might improve. Is it not true that most people begin our acquaintance on a probationary status and only when they have proved themselves worthwhile, beneficial for some perceived quality, only then does an acquaintance advance to a distant friend. Further evidences of quality are required to advance from being a distant friend to a friend, and then additional effort is required (though it may be impossible!) to reach the inner circle of best friend or spouse.

Just Damn Unlucky

I could be among the middle class today; I was just damn unlucky. I've achieved perfect records in so many different arenas, but there's always that one misfortune or coincidence that deprives me of the cheese at the end of the maze.

I think it's fair to say I'm unlucky. I had the bright intuition to buy gold when gold was cheap, $300/oz., in fact I imagined my dead grandfather (he was keen on investments) whispering in my ear, "Buy gold with every spare dollar at your disposal, now," but after buying the gold, I double-guessed myself after reading magazine articles about the invulnerable, infallible, reliable then-soaring stock market, and I sold most of my gold on Ebay, typically for the starting price with no bidding. (As we know, Ebay sucks.)

I almost got accepted into nursing school with my academic record and great score (99) on the entrance exam, but there were two grades from twenty years ago that, I suspect, nixed my chances, along with my lack of prior medical experience. Everyone encouraged me to go back and take those old classes over again and volunteer at a local hospital, but you know what, that's a lot of sacrifice combined with the $30K price tag of nursing school, money that I don't have to spare. Used to be the government helped out poor nursing students, but all that money dried up after the wars, and it never was enough anyhow.

I guess I've got a lot of "almost-wons" to my credit. I almost got a decent job up in Vermont. Spent about a dozen hours filling out applications & questionnaires and responding to emails and conducting telephone and a webcam interview. Nothing. Not even an email saying sorry, we passed you by. I don't mind so much, though. I guess some jobseekers get bitter and bite back when they receive those "Sorry" emails. They shouldn't. Sorry is better than silence. Silence leaves one wondering if the game is still on.

Back in the day, I almost got accepted into graduate school, in fact I was accepted, and my generous parents offered to foot the bill in full, but my stupid morality got in the way. For one thing, I balked at the cost ($15k for living expenses and additional for tuition), knowing that my Mom hated her job and my Dad was retiring. It seemed to me I would be asking them to make a huge sacrifice, and that caused me to scrutinize the curriculum closely. I felt that most of what graduate school was teaching was crap. I perceived some, not all, of the same criticisms that Gore Vidal expresses far more eloquently in his essays and interviews. Probably I should have swallowed my reservations along with my pride and just held my nose and scored an easy Ph.D., because it would have been awfully easy for me. Then I'd have a relatively cushy academic job at some state school or technical school somewhere, much easier that the demanding programming jobs I worked after abandoning grad school.

What I did with computers, I don't think many people could do. It wasn't easy, even for people who live and breathe tech. There was a great deal of skull sweat and cold sweat trickling down the neck at 3 AM in the office as millions of dollars are contemplated at stake. I pulled it off though, all of it, somehow. That does give me satisfaction, even if no one remembers or cares at all (water under the bridge). Put in a situation of crisis, I performed, which means I'm a good soldier. But I suppose that's not valued anymore in today's economy, today's world.

I did have a taste for drama in the younger days, unlike today. I remember the head of the program at grad school calling me up on the phone to ask me why I hadn't paid the fees yet. I guess head count was down, student quality was poor, and I looked good enough on paper to justify a personal phone call.

I indicated I was not interested, that I had changed my mind, and she wanted to know all of the reasons why with as much detail as I could offer. I told her my opinions of the program, which pretty much dovetail with Gore Vidal's, although I had not yet read him on the subject. I had just formed my own opinion after lengthy reflection. She was infuriated and declared that I would never be permitted into the program while she was head, or dean, or whatever it is. She paused for about five seconds, expecting me to mend the rift I suppose, and when I didn't, she concluded that I was not interested in her program anymore, and asked me if that were so. I confirmed. We never spoke again. I imagine I was blackballed or put on some list at that particular university, but it didn't matter. She's probably retired or dead by now, but I don't have any plan on doing the grad school thing now. It's a bit late in the game for that, I think, and there's just no money to help with tuition or any other costs.

by igor 04:20 8 replies by igor 09:32 6 comments

Some Women

Some women, very few indeed, have just enough testosterone to trip my wires. From a distance, anyhow. I went to a concert tonight and got the eye from one of the players on stage. After several exchanges of glances, she was even so bold as to nod. I thought it most strange, amusing, unlikely, delightful, and impossible at this point in my life, and thank goodness for that. The last one I knew too well did not go well. Butch women tend to have ex-girlfriends. . .

I've sometimes wondered about the possibilities, but I think the reality is that both of us are seeking something that is not quite right, or only right enough for one night, and it is unstable for that reason and cannot endure. She will find or has found already another she. Perhaps in earlier times such a connection was more practical and had enough advantages.

by igor 04:20 8 replies by igor 09:32 6 comments

"The Beginners" *****

I saw "The Beginners" at a cinema tonight and was quite pleased by the excellent writing and superb acting. A truly flawless movie, it is the best of 2011.

I had not been out to a cinema in years. I must say the movie-going experience has gotten worse, not better. There were almost a dozen shrill, jarring commercials for products like insurance and luxury cars that made me sorry I was there. Why should I have to watch commercials after I paid for a ticket? I felt like the theater was punishing me for visiting. If I had waited for the movie to arrive via NetFlix, presto, no commercials. One of the stupid commercials played in reverse (including the soundtrack) after it had played. I do not know whether that was a technical malfunction or an intentional device. Another annoyance was that sound effects from another movie in an adjoining screen could be overheard--explosions, shots and cursing. The sound is turned up too loud.

Despite my favorable impression of the movie itself, I do not intend to go out to the cinemas again for a long time, because it is clear to me the cinema owner has zero respect for the audience. But what else is new? This has long been the case. Besides the high ticket price and the lousy and expensive food, now the audience must contend with loud, obnoxious commercials with no relation to movies. Small wonder, then, that there were plenty of empty seats. In a theater with a seating capacity of 200, fewer than twelve seats were occupied, even though the movie itself was outstanding.

The museum was little better. Among the masterpieces of artwork and sculpture, in the lobby below, a rapper was permitted to scream his tirade or whatever he calls it at a very loud volume, so that it was impossible to think about anything except for the stupid thoughts originating from his empty head concerning murder or mayhem or whatever nonsense it is that he thinks is so interesting that everyone must listen to it, whether they want to or not. It may come as a surprise, but people visit an art museum to look at the art, not listen to rap or any other type of music played at a high volume. One thing is decided. I do not plan on buying a membership to the museum in this lifetime.

by igor 04:20 8 replies by igor 09:32 6 comments

A Four-Leaf Clover

When I read some of the things that right wingers say out loud, even in Congress or on national television, it leads me to think that, if they could get away with it, some of 'em would put a gun to my head and pull the trigger, in fact they'd probably wipe out a great many other people besides me. Crazy as hell some of them seem to me, stirring up mischief for no good reason at all and saying things that just aren't true, even when they know it. I don't know whether I need to give any examples, because it's such a common thing. There's the wacko Birther movement, then all of the extreme things that people say against gays, and the occasional, not quite as common, extreme prejudice certain people have against marijuana.

I'm not going to repeat the garbage people say against gays. A skeptical reader could do five minutes worth of research if he felt the need. My search terms in that link are pretty innocuous, as well, and not likely to uncover the worst of the worse. I'm sure that a determined reader could uncover that on his own. I prefer not to discuss such things. Instead, I will take a single, mild, even funny talking point from the Republicans--that gay marriage is going to lead to polygamy. That makes no sense whatsoever. Straight marriage could just as easily lead to polygamy. And who does polygamy anyway? I thought that was old-school Mormon. The Mormons reformed, I thought.

I don't know what to say to people that claim Obama isn't American. It does seem like a racist thing to me. It is appalling that so many people, according to polls, really believed that line. Perhaps that gives an indication as to why this country is in the situation it is in.

And marijuana--worth putting people in jail over? I don't get it. I remember what a group of state senators said in response to the movement to decriminalize marijuana. "Never will happen in our state! We don't care about the cost of incarceration! We'll build more prisons!" That's the mentality. Build more prisons, do more harm to people. Another state senator, Republican of course, was in favor of caning marijuana users. One never hears those same senators going on about alcohol. They don't give two hoots about marijuana. They just know it is popular among liberals, and they would like to harm the liberals if they possibly can without repercussions, give them a felony conviction, ruin their lives.

People who have never tried pot can imagine it's some kind of horrible thing. People who have never had a gay friend may well think all sorts of crazy things about gays. I still don't know what to say about the Birthers. I think people have limited experience in their lives, because human lives are so brief, and they assume that anything they are told by a trusted authority is true. I remember arguing with my father over pot. He never tried it and did not know anyone who had, except for my older brother and me. He told me he thought pot was bad because the government said so. Just because the government said so! Yes, authority is often right, but is it possible, just possible, that on certain occasions, it's terribly wrong? Maybe authority needs to be modified and improved. That's my position. I like to see things improved.

But not everybody cares about improving things or even getting things done. In my lifetime, I've encountered opposition from lazy and corrupt drunks with no concern about civility, no concern about teamwork, and just the most obvious selfish motivations having to do with minimization of work and effort and maximization of idleness. They are the most resistant to change, because change means work, change means effort, and they are as lazy as the day is long. I never have understood why people hate working and hate thinking. Those are the two things I love the most, and I do them all day, every day, even in my supposed leisure time. I'd rather solve problems than watch a show any day of the week. Is that strange? At least at the end of the day, I have a feeling of accomplishment, that it was worth getting out of bed, worth being alive. I don't like feeling that a day was ever wasted. Time is important. There is a purpose to life.

I remember a right-winger at the office where I worked. This was the second or third time I had ever laid eyes on him. He was talking to my supervisor about politics, a subject I tried to avoid, and he looked at me, smiled, and said that Democrats were traitors and deserve a bullet in the head. I had never talked about politics at work before. To this day, I don't know what he was on about, looking me in the eye. This was during the Clinton years. Clinton was not even that liberal. Definitely, Nazis are still around. What happened back then could happen again, I think. There are people out there that want to try it again, give it another go. Of course they don't want to go to prison, either, but they would do certain things if they could get away with it.

Bozo did well for himself. He was permitted to work at home, set his own hours and pretty much come and go as he pleased. He never updated his technical skills, had poor communication skills, and often had underlings do his work because he was incapable of getting anything done that wasn't simple.

I didn't get any special protection. I was kept on because I was better than some of the other programmers on my team. Some of the others liked to walk around the office with a coffee mug in their hand, chatting with their buddies most of the day about sports and sex. I remember that. Me, I was weird. I preferred remaining in my cubicle, getting things done, and why? Because I liked the work. I liked the work better than talking with old hardheaded conservatives that want to kill anybody that doesn't think the same way they do. Some people thought it was weird to sit at the desk doing work all day. It was out of the norm at that place.

Which strategy is better? Social engineering, or actually getting the work done? I don't know. Both strategies work well from what I have experienced. I suppose social engineering is easier if there's a gap between the ears. Certainly the social engineers did quite well for themselves, maybe even better than the real engineers. They were rewarded, pampered, and even promoted on frequent occasion, although sometimes when things blew up in their face, and they couldn't shift the blame, they were asked to resign. Good workers, on the other hand, were kept on, but not promoted or pampered. The rewards, salary increases, were tangible, if moderate. That's the kind of company I worked for. Maybe that's why I left. I don't know. Resentment? Maybe. Plenty of factors. I don't think I was very lucky in my career. Moderately successful, yes, but certainly I was maneuvered into a dead end, career-wise, by the antiquated technology I was assigned to maintain.

I'm holding on to a four leaf clover, besides all of the three-leaf clovers on this blog. I'm hoping that my luck improves. Maybe it won't be today or tomorrow, but I've got time, and there's no telling what the future may bring one day. I think it is wise to stay prepared and remain receptive for good fortune, if it ever does ring the phone. Seems to me the phones are ringing over in India and China more often these days. But who knows?

by igor 04:20 8 replies by igor 09:32 6 comments

Unemployment

My experience in technology is extensive. I breathe and bleed tech, having programmed since the age of fourteen. I'm what is called a natural. I didn't go into programming just for money, but because I enjoyed it and discovered I was good at it.

Nevertheless, on a regular basis, I am being passed over for jobs that I am qualified or even overqualified for, despite flexibility over the issue of salary and other matters and despite an eagerness and readiness to learn. In many cases it seems that I am not even given a second glance, but dismissed out of hand for one reason or another, most likely age or a gap in employment or the lack of employment. I did not think so before, but sometimes I fear that I may never work again in my chosen field and that my productive life is over.

Of course, there are many people in the same boat or even in worse circumstances, so I do not feel alone, not in today's economy. I do not believe it is anything to be ashamed of, either, because I am just as competent as ever, ready to reach the same height of excellence that I reached in the past. My loss is not only my own, but in part, also a loss to the companies that overlook me. It is possible they can find candidates who are better. I have worked with programmers superior to me in skill on at least three occasions. It is more likely they will find candidates who are just as good. I've been fortunate enough to work with my equals many times. It is also possible that their selection will not be as good, or will crash and burn, as I have seen many programmers do. But that is their problem. Those companies will have to deal with the fallout. I won't be there to pick up the pieces as I was in so many other cases of programmers who bailed out, went bananas or got fired.*

I feel sad at the lack of hope for me and probably millions of others, but not ashamed, because the circumstances of today were not of my doing. Today's economy is an indictment of a political and economic philosophy that is not my own. I sometimes feel angry, because there are many who express contempt toward others and obtain a strange satisfaction from the suffering of others. But they are not important, only loud and shrill, like crickets at night. Angry and mean people tend to clamor for the most attention. Often it is best to ignore them. They do not have much capacity for learning. Those who have understanding are more interesting, and I prefer to pay attention to them.

I don't let anger keep any grip upon me, but let it disperse after it has formed. It is not useful, as some people think, as I used to think, but harmful, and interferes with intelligence, like many other emotions. I'm not wise enough that I can dispense with anger altogether, and I don't know anyone who is. Anger happens in the human being. How to prevent its formation is beyond my understanding. I do know how to deal with it, though. Let it go. Don't take it seriously or at least not for long. Taking things very seriously is a grave mistake. I think a light touch is the way, a bit of humility and humor, combined with a desire to understand and to grow. Anger is the Enemy, getting in the way of intelligent thought, placing obstacles in the path of personal growth. Despair is the same.

Let us say the absolute worse happens in the next moment: a meteor hurls through my roof, striking me dead. Is that the end of the world? No, the world keeps on going, unless the meteor was very big indeed, in which case it would be termed an asteroid or a comet. I believe the Moon formed following a collision between this planet and a comet long ago. At any rate, I don't think the stakes are high for my own existence. I'm in favor of its continuation, but it does not exceed the value of other imperatives such as ethics, beauty and people that I care about. In other words, what happens, happens, and in the end I'm just a small part, a single pixel in the Impressionist painting of the world. Threads of consciousness, memes shared by me show every indication of persisting, even flourishing in my opinion, and that to me is more important. The wine exceeds the value of the vessel.

When I close my eyes at night, I feel encompassed by the greatest love, a restorative and nourishing force that makes me feel as though everything is as it should be, that things are right and good, just as they are. That does not result in a waking complacency. I've never been complacent. I'm always modifying things, trying to make them better. It is the nature of a programmer. It is not necessary to feel overwhelmed by worries and anxieties in order to get things done. That is a common misconception that I used to have. I get things done on time. Never have been a procrastinator. I just don't spend so much time worrying. There is a certain amount of fearlessness. Sometimes fear occurs to me, but then it seems strange, from someone else, from a weaker person. Fear is not any more helpful than anger. Fear of death and disease are shared by many people. I feel afraid about those inevitable fates too until I think them over, and I always come to the same conclusion in the end. There doesn't seem much purpose in being afraid of something that is going to happen no matter what. Acceptance may be a better strategy offering more benefits.

* - A common story throughout my career involved cleaning up other people's messes, pulling their rear ends out of the fire. I was there when the waste matter hit the fan. I was calm and rational, thinking in cold blood. Quick fixes were everybody's favorite, but I worked all day and all night if I had to, the thrill of battle spurring me on. I don't mind the drama or the pressure, but thrive on it, and can work alone or with a team.

I'm a good person to have around when things go wrong, because I don't get flustered. I relish the challenge, because it focuses all of my energy until I become greater than I was before. After final victory, there is time to celebrate, to unwind. Maybe customers are grateful, maybe not, but one's coworkers always are pleased, even if no one else recognizes what was accomplished, which is often the case because mishaps tend to be concealed from the eyes of higher-ups.

by igor 04:20 4 replies by igor 09:32 0 comments

Conservative Men Insult a Woman

I have a friend that posted her profile on a matchmaker site. She wrote much of the usual sort of thing, and at the end, inserted a single line, "I am a Democrat and prefer that my match be also." She is a moderate Democrat, like the rest of her family, and that was a reasonable request for any man that would court her.

She has received hate mail from conservatives ever since. At least four right-wing creeps wrote emails denigrating her. They expressed their hatred of Democrats and President Obama. They called her stupid and other things as well. Their insults reflected their hostility toward women. No mystery as to why they were still single.

I told her she should not write these men back. They are not worth the effort of communication. They have already proven themselves incapable of learning, because they do not understand the purpose of a matchmaker site. It is to find love, not hate. A person's preferences are just that, preferences. Man or woman, each person has a right to their own preferences when they are seeking a partner. But some conservative men don't think so. They want to order people to believe what they believe. They think that's being strong, which is the primary problem with right-wingers in any nation.

by igor 04:20 4 replies by igor 09:32 0 comments

Rock 'n Roll Ain't Noise Pollution

Listening to AC/DC's "Rock n Roll Ain't Noise Pollution" tonight brings back a memory of me sitting on brick steps in our backyard, playing it at top volume on a cruddy little black tape player that used to store programs for my computer. I had flunked tenth grade. What a riot! I was past caring. Didn't give a damn anymore. I had friends that felt the same way. It was summer and hot enough to cook an egg on the street. We were nothing but trouble, cruising for a bruising, skating on thin ice, and headed for the precipice. AC/DC spoke to me like no other band. I played their 1980 compilation Back in Black over and over. The music let me tap into something that I needed, a power. The fortune teller had mentioned AC/DC to me many years before. Somehow I remembered the suggestion, and when a tape fell into my greedy little hands like magic, I was receptive.

by igor 04:20 4 replies by igor 09:32 0 comments

Proud to be an American

I'm proud of my country, that so many high-tech corporations today offer domestic partner benefits for gays and lesbians. I'm talking about medical insurance for my partner. That means a great deal to me. As a matter of fact, it is the single criterion upon which I make decisions about companies. I don't even bother applying to any company that does not offer DP benefits, but exceptions are rare these days, at least in the area of high tech.*

I can remember back when I was a teenager--I really didn't expect this to happen in my lifetime. It surprises me and makes me glad I'm an American. I can tell you, things were different even in the 1990's. Change DOES come and can arrive even within a single lifetime.

* - In my experience, there are plenty of gay programmers. Among heterosexual programmers, homophobia is uncommon among the competent. Only incompetent programmers have ever expressed homophobia in my presence, and their motive was to shift the focus away from their incompetence and onto sexual orientation, in which they felt they were superior.

Competent programmers look for and appreciate competence from their colleagues. They care about what is between the ears. They do not care about what goes on below the belt. The focus is upon getting things done. In most shops, there is more work that needs to be done than there are programmers to do it.

by igor 04:20 4 replies by igor 09:32 0 comments

Insufficient Web Qualifications

Many tech employers assume that experience in the latest and greatest flavor of technology is all that matters. They look for nothing else.

Recently, a potential employer wrote me a helpful note that my web qualifications were much less than that of his other applicants. Maybe that is so. I don't know. It is difficult for me to demonstrate my proficiency with the web, because so much of what I have done has been a hobby rather than work-related.

Browsing his company's web site for less than ten minutes, I detected three glaring grammatical errors and a design atrocity that his geeks overlooked. Maybe I am an old fogy who doesn't know anything, but it seems to me that an advertising company that displays such mistakes on its web site cannot be destined for good things. If he had at least been willing to interview me over the phone, I might have shared my observations with him. Since our communication has ceased, I find satisfaction in imagining the reactions of his customers. Perhaps an elder geek is not completely worthless, after all.

I am proficient with HTML and CSS and have no reservation stating so on my resume. I don't see what is so special about web development applications or languages. I cut my teeth on Assembler, and I don't see how any of the modern languages could possibly get any more difficult than that.

If I was capable of understanding and coding in the context of a language

^sjdg923^&$6232)j^&-kw$as1!

then why would

<HTML>

stump me?

The answer appears to be that managers don't want to gamble on an unknown quantity and are afraid of fossilized old brains that quit learning new things*. They prefer applicants with a proven track record in a given technology that can hit the ground running, even if they have to pay twice the salary that I would expect in order to spend a bit of time getting up to speed. I understand the rationale for closing the door to people like myself well enough. But I'll keep knocking.

* - Has my brain fossilized? Well, I don't think so.

by igor 04:20 4 replies by igor 09:32 0 comments