As I study human reproduction in my anatomy and physiology class, I have been reminded of my own destiny. I believe that human reproduction is a fascinating and miraculous process, which is also true in the case of reproduction of other life forms. I feel a temptation, when studying the human body, to forget that many other species share similar traits with us. We are unique in our mental capacity alone. Therefore, we should always try to use our brains to our own advantage and that of our beautiful planet.
I often hear my professors express wonderment that we were designed in such a perfect manner. Their allusion to the Deity is understood, but they neglect the role played by evolution, which knows nothing about design and is unaware of any advantages to our apparent design. Evolution is not God, or let us hope it is not, because if it is, then the last man standing is the Chosen. Evolution proceeds by the inefficient and wasteful trial-and-error process, whereas a Heavenly Engineer could indeed design Adam and Eve from the ground up in a single day, without the necessity of hundreds of millions of years. Evolution is a slow, bloody, cruel and ugly process. The weight of evidence does not disprove, but gives a contraindication for the existence of a benevolent God, although a stronger case could be made for an evil God. Richard Dawkins, one of my favorite scientists, has covered all of this territory admirably in his marvelous books and lectures.
Anyone who reproduces is making an input into the evolutionary process. Those who fail to reproduce remove their genetic configuration from the gene pool. They have been culled. A stigma is attached by the phrase "survival of the fittest," implying that those who do not survive or reproduce are less fit than those that do. I have asked myself, "Am I less fit? Am I an inferior specimen?" I don't know the answer to that question. Compared to some people, I do feel inferior. Compared to others, superior. Still others, roughly equal. But I avoid comparisons, because it is impossible to perceive everything about a person at a glance.
My genes are not my master. Instead, I am the master. It may be true that my genes are unrewarded by evolution, in that they are not passed on to future generations. Does this mean I "lose?" What exactly do I lose? I think that all of us are equal in death. Those who "win" by having more descendants bear more responsibility for the outcome of the human race. I can only hope they know what they are doing. The future is unclear, and I don't think anyone can assume they have won anything without being able to see until the end of the Universe, at which point everyone will be equal anyway. The Universe, physicists tell us, is finite, and life will one day be extinguished. Placed in that context, what exactly is "won?" Instead of winning or losing, we are building castles in the sand to be erased by the coming tide.
In my younger years, I was motivated to raise a family and have a long line of descendants. Many men have a dynastic ambition. Children and grandchildren are an enviable achievement that accrues honor in human society. There is also an ambition to influence future generations of men. Although one may be relatively unimportant, a hope for greatness lingers as long as there is a seed.
On a scale of sexuality, with 1 being heterosexual and 6 being homosexual, I'd probably be a 5. Homosexuality puts one at a disadvantage in pursuing heterosexual relationships. There isn't enough zeal. For a heterosexual, pursuing the opposite sex is an all-consuming affair. No expense is spared. Heterosexuals possess a certain spark that arises around the opposite sex. There have also been studies that show that heterosexual men exude pheromones that women find enticing.
Despite the uneven playing field, I chose several women and had a modest measure of success in terms of landing dates, second dates, and even casual relationships. I would like to say that I chose on the basis of merit. That would be ideal, but how often does it happen? Not very, from what I gather. I think I fell in love with physical appearances, the same as heterosexual men tend to do, although I preferred a more masculine face and body, even if the equipment were female. At the time, I thought these women were the most fascinating things alive. I was indeed in love or thought I was at the time. Later observations indicated my optimism was excessive. In any event, the relationships ended in a very short amount of time, though not in any dramatic fashion. It was just not meant to be, as they say. Time passed, and at my present age, I do not believe it remotely possible that I could win over a worthy female of child-bearing age. I am not willing to dilute my blood with such women that I could still obtain. In my view, each generation should surpass the last and not represent a decline.
Many people have low standards. They settle for what they can get and produce children simply because they want to have children or because of an accident. Other people remain sterile for lack of a worthy mate. I have noticed a surprising number of women opting not to procreate, and why should they, if they cannot find a proper man? Quality is indeed important. Settling for whatever comes one's way explains many of the problems in the world. There would be no more criminals born if men and women scrutinized their prospective mates more closely. Men should look beyond beauty. Women should look beyond rank.
Dreams of a dynasty have altered into an acceptance of the finality of my own death.
There are consolations. I am free to think, to imagine, and to write, or to spend my time however I please. Much of parenting seems like drudgery, and parents are blamed in our society for things beyond their control. Also, reproduction is a gamble, because there is no telling--at this time--whether the offspring will carry a genetic defect, in which case there is no refund, no exchange, and the government requires eighteen years of loyal servitude.
If my parents foresaw that I would be homosexual, there is little doubt I would have been aborted. Such a reflection does not give me any dismay, because in that case, I simply would not exist. If I did not exist, I would certainly have no cause for complaint, now would I? All things considered, the world would probably be better off with just one sexual preference, rather than two, because the human race is intolerant of differences of any kind, an innate weakness in H. Sapiens that has resulted in more problems than any other.
The world is much easier for straight people. My offspring would be a kind and thoughtful person, but such people tend to be taken advantage of in my experience. The early years, in particular, are a trial. I would never wish my childhood on anybody. War and devastation of the population may prove a bitter medicine for the world's ills, and I doubt my genetics would be any good at that sort of mischief. Others will supply the necessary genetics. Sometimes I catch glimpses of what will be and am glad I will not be there to witness it. What the world needs are fire-breathing dragons that can grip enemies in their talons and rip them apart. I have nothing of the dragon in me, being more elf-like on the whole.
It is a comfort to know that I've led a blameless life, all things considered, not creating any new problems. Some people appreciate my presence. I enjoy a healthy and strong monogamous homosexual relationship. I like having a clean conscience and not being entangled in any sort of unpleasant or dramatic relationship. Too often, it seems, heterosexual relationships end in divorce. I do not know whether it is the fault of men or of women in general. It is probably a little bit on both sides. When I look at married straight couples, I seldom feel envy, even though I realize that they will inherit the world. My own line is doomed. I hope that they make the right choices in regards to politics, the environment, and the economy. But if they don't, it will only trouble me for a brief time before my candle burns out. Then it's their barrel of monkeys.
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