I woke up this morning with a strange thought that felt right. No, nothing sexual--or not exactly. I don't blog about sexual matters for the most part, mostly because they are mundane and there is not much to say about them unless, I suppose, one has a particularly spicy sex life. Instead I was thinking about a recent hypothesis concerning homosexuality's origin.
Some researchers believe that sexuality is determined in the womb and is not a wholly genetic matter, but that a fetus is exposed to either too much or too little (or just right, according to your viewpoint) testosterone during a critical period of development. I have given this hypothesis much thought. For me, it would mean that I was exposed to more than the standard amount of testosterone while still a fetus, and that my brain therefore remained feminine (contra-intuitively) rather than turning masculine. I may have forgotten or misinterpreted certain aspects of the scientific rationale, but the gist is that a homosexual infant boy's brain is actually the brain of a baby girl at birth. Native testosterone will over time make this brain more masculine and increase the sex drive but to varying extents, resulting in gays being more or less feminine, and overall gays should be a bit more feminine, on average, than the norm.
Feminine qualities I expressed from the earliest ages were sensitivity, passivity, talkativeness and obedience. As I developed I was encouraged and pushed to express masculine qualities and suppress certain feminine qualities, such as sensitivity, but without much success. Bullies were always taking advantage of me because they could easily make me unhappy or afraid through an unkind word or even an attack. Being pressured to be something one is not is stressful and causes internal confusion, doubt and distress. I think growing up was difficult, because in those days nobody understood, or if they did understand a little bit they shut up about it and were of no help to me at all. I think I would have had a much better time if I had known at least one other person that was gay and not in the closet. I grew up thinking I was the only one in the world.
I pity the conservative Christians and Muslims that think gay is bad, because they are going to have a hard time with their gay kids. When Mom and Dad don't understand, the prognosis is poor for the family. I think the conservatives think that they are fighting against a tribe of gay outsiders, strangers, aliens. The reality is that they are fighting against their own family and their future children and grandchildren. Alienation and ostracism awaits, a disappointing outcome for an investment of eighteen-plus years in raising a child, but it is to be expected when Mom and Dad cannot understand what is plain before them. They are second-guessing God, to put things in their terms.
For me it is curious to think of my brain being a female brain. I have always thought of my thinker as a male brain because that is what everyone told me, and I based my self-concept on what I was told. Accepting gayness and femininity comes as something of a relief, because I fought against it for so long in the early years, thinking it was wrong, bad. I see now why I get along well with women and relate with them. I think my brain began female at birth, but is now a hybrid due to the influences of testosterone and peer socialization. I am between the genders, neither one nor the other, but mostly female, I think. I find many straight men to be less interesting than straight women and not very skilled at communication. If all one can talk about is the ball game, that is thin gruel indeed. Give me a woman any day.
Looking back on all my romantic adventures, it is clear that nothing ever worked out with women. So I ask myself why, and the reason may be that my brain was mostly female, and the straight women were looking for a mostly masculine brain. Pheromones also play a role. It is not likely a straight woman would remain attracted for more than a brief period to a gay man, because the spiritual element is contradictory. The gay man is eventually interpreted as a friend, much like other female friends. The woman would have to have a lesbian component in order to remain attracted to a gay man, but even that poses problems because the male has different equipment, contrary to the lesbian's fantasies and expectations.
I was involved with a lesbian at one time, but that did not work out well because she had a butch ex-girlfriend that reestablished control of her (she was a femme), but I think it would not have worked out anyway. She used me to assuage her Catholic guilt, nothing else, and I don't think she was ever genuine, but was pretending with me. I certainly did believe that I was in love, even if it was very foolish and sudden. She said she was bisexual, but was she? Was I? I think to me that love and being in love was more important than the sex. Love was ecstasy. It was a sweet delusion without much grounding in reality. I was looking for an intimate friend due to the female nature of my brain, which seeks intimacy. The sex was not important to me, and I wasn't aggressive in that area, which is the exact opposite of the masculine priority, because men want sex above all else. Sex to me was regarded as a symbol or verification of love and valued only for that purpose, not for the pleasure it might bring.
Sexuality goes to the physical, and there is nothing a male body has that a garden-variety lesbian wants. The same applies to gay men. There is nothing about the female body that I particularly desire, although I can appreciate it as a thing of beauty. I am not overawed at the sight of breasts, and I think that is the essential difference between myself and a straight man.
Much was all right with men, in fact I had an easy time with guys, and of course that is why in time I identified as gay and decided to abandon the pointless and painful pursuit of women. It took me a long time to accept being gay and self-acceptance came in gradual degrees. I think I accept myself more now than I ever did in the past.
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