High School was a Low Point

Regular beatings and humiliation were a fact of daily life my freshman year at high school. It was just an ordinary high school, not a military one, but I think in many ways it was run like a military school, with strict rules and regimens. The main instigator was a twisted sociopath in P.E., and he was encouraged and enabled by the teacher. The drill-sergeant approach to education is claimed to work for some, perhaps, more or less, but didn't work out so well in my case. Does that mean that I was "weak" and another, ideal specimen was "strong" to thrive in a violent, abusive environment? Are regular beatings good for people? Some do think so, whether they will admit it or not, but perhaps they should try it out for themselves sometime, on the receiving end, that is. Then poll their opinion after they have received a good dose. I imagine that "boot camp" is meant to prepare one for war by lowering ones threshold for pain, lowering ones morality and reducing inhibitions. If we are at war, fine, maybe that is a necessary evil indeed, but if not, is it necessary? How much violence is really needed in the world?

I am reminded of what I endured by what some people are dredging up into the news media ten, twenty, thirty years after the fact, or longer. It seems to me that the only difference between these ancient cases and mine is that I was never confronted with someone else's genitals. That seems like a minor point next to a year's worth of physical and psychological abuse. Basically, abuse was a part of the system in school, it was normal and accepted everyday life for a lot of students. Survival of the fittest was the philosophy. No one really cared, the atmosphere was highly competitive and no one would pick you up if you fell--more likely, kick you in the ribs. The result, well, I think I have done about as well as I could with this life, given the sort of start I had. If I had to do things over, I would have set my mind to figuring out a way to avoid the dreadful high school I went to. It was a waste of time, not helpful in any way, and not educational in the slightest. I would have been much better off simply being locked in a library for eight hours a day. In a library, I would have absorbed the knowledge of the world and emerged in four years knowing a lot about a lot. School taught nothing, except people are morons, brutes and liars. That was the basic lesson, drilled daily, with tests all the time, and God help you if you forgot. Although, God wasn't around, because the Church just sold a whole load of generalities and called it spirituality. Whatever. Church never seemed satisfying to me and never made me feel even slightly closer to divinity.

Now, I finally know what education really is. Education is learning on your own, by yourself, at your own pace, fast or slow. I finally know what spirituality is. Spirituality is having a personal relationship with the greater powers, free of nonsense and window-dressing, just plain, straight-up communion, guided by common sense and a desire for that which is good.

The two criminals, that violent sociopath and the P.E. teacher that always turned a blind eye or, when he noticed, opted to blame the victim, succeeded in their objective, if their goal was to cost me a lot of suffering and lost time, lost future wages and lost prospects. They achieved their dark victory. If there is justice in the Universe, if Karma is real, as Donald Michael Kraig fervently believes, judging by his opinions in "Modern Magick," then their payback for their sins would be great. I myself rather doubt the existence of karma, based on what we know about various historical figures. Good does not always prosper, not is evil always vanquished or punished in any way. Sometimes good people are harmed with impunity, and evil-doers enjoy their lives to the very end of their days. I think rather that Karma is a useful construct, make-believe, that Kraig and many other would-be philosophers like to indoctrinate their students with in the hope and the prayer of spreading goodness and light through the world. But I don't really believe in Policeman Karma watching and weighing rights and wrongs and sanctioning wrong-doers. Would it were so, but alas, the Universe does seem oblivious to the cries of humble folk. I think we are regarded by divinity, if at all, in the same light as ants and bees, as pixels in a greater picture, and that what happens to us in this lifetime is not really evaluated, but kind of left up to chance.

I learned in high school, the villains seize fun and pleasure and get away with it, and those that harm none can suffer for a long time. It was kind of a reverse morality lesson, learning evil in school. My moral instructors were the bully and the P.E. teacher. It took years to unlearn those lessons. That is about the summit of what happened in high school. Not, in my opinion, a judicious use of taxpayer dollars. Did the P.E. teacher earn his salary? No. Where was karma? Missing in action. I did not even think about karma in those days, because I had a more traditional view of the Universe. I thought, where is God? I did not observe any hints of true Christianity in school. Maybe a number of students professed Christianity, that is, if you asked them, oh sure, even been born again and all that jazz, but it was like brand-name clothing they wore to boast and brag about their piety. Now P.E. was a pretty big class, over thirty of my peers, and they knew exactly what was going on, every one of them, they witnessed him and me. Not a word nor an action. Their indifference did not pass unmarked by me. Indeed it was taken into consideration in order to form a worldview. That is what happens in youth, forming of the worldview. Now, my worldview has evolved since then, for sure, for the better, I think. But then I thought, this world is evil, all are evil. In darkness man dwells. And many a time, I thought to open my veins.

What stayed my hand? Why did I choose to remain in this world? I think memories of happier times, a vague notion that "This, too, shall pass," and my inner optimism. Certainly I am pleased that my younger self did not take any drastic action. It was true, life did get better. I got out of that hell-hole school, did much better in college where I was freer and more independent and not forced to sit in assigned seating in some stupid P.E. class with a stupid know-nothing instructor. I was able to make a living and be independent, and that is good enough for me.

The concept of Karma does interest me. I really want to believe in it, a just Universe, but you know, setting my own personal hell-story aside, along with all my own personal experiences, just crack open a history book. What the hell kind of karma did the victors of every war receive for all their killing and destruction? Certainly plenty of generals and dictators have gone on to enjoy a cushy retirement. Look at Napoleon, for one. You can say Russia was karma, and I would reply, karma for his troops, while Napoleon himself went on to stir up trouble the next ten years and eventually idle his remaining days in exile.