Saturday, June 30, 2012

Courage

I don't know whether my courage has increased as I've gotten older or I've gotten short-tempered in dealing with fools. Probably the truth lies in the middle. I've faced down many a fool in the last decade, for better or worse, and many times I've been right, but sometimes I wish I had let the fool pass and get his lesson from someone or something other than myself.

When I was a boy, I scared easily, because I was ignorant and woefully unskilled in the social arena, which drew bullies to me. Nowadays I am stronger and taller of course, which matters a great deal in a pragmatic sense, and I have street smarts. Also, I am not very afraid of death, because I feel like my best years and our country's best years are behind me anyway. There isn't much that can scare me in a physical sense. The thing I really fear the most is being in the wrong. I certainly don't like the idea of being a bully myself. I like to think of myself either as a force for positive good in the world, or if compelled by the worst circumstances, at least neutral. I don't have any illusion that it is possible for a living organism to be absolutely good in every single possible circumstance. One tries to do the best one can given the available options.

What seems to provoke me the most is obnoxious, aggressive, bullying behavior, usually from men, not often directed at me due to my size and bearing but at gentle and kind people that I care about. I will assume the role of protector and accept any darts or arrows, in fact I wish to divert them all to me. I am a shield and around me in safety dwell those that I love. So I believe that courage, if not innate, can grow from a contempt of death and the placing of honor and loved ones above personal survival or enrichment.

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